I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
