My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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