Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
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