You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
