he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
