Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize