ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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