I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
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