ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
