I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize