Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
