cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
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when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
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I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
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