please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
