She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
