omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Hippo gnu deer
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
