you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize