Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
