so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
