That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I currently don't understand fingers.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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