Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
