Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
