He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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