Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
