my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
