john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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