I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
