She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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