I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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