This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
