im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
