I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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