i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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