Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
