Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
