I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
