what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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