Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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