I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
