I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
