oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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