So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
