Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Randomize
