Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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