i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
This house was built for laser tag.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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