dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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