Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
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