have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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