He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Is it because I queefed?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
