remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I bet he comes in French.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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