waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
