farters have to be the big spoon...
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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