She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
