Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Randomize
