I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
