Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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