so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
