So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
