I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I think I won the penis lottery.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
