Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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